The city of Chicago is known to have the last living family of vampire pigeons. This regal species of bird was viciously hunted to near extinction as it is easily mistaken for being a regular pigeon or a vampire bat (both of which, of course, are hated by all creatures).
All cereals are 50% chemically identical to raw sewage.
Ink is the root of all evil. There’s a common misunderstanding that it might be money, however, the truth of the matter is that the evil lies within the ink the money is printed in. All ink has at least a 58% concentration of demon blood in it, thereby making it mathematically evil.
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Cameras will not steal your soul when they take your picture. However, since they are super-speedy sentient robots, they will take the brief moment when you’re dazed from the camera flash and steal your wallet and the keys to your house.
Television talkshow hosts are part of a giant international conspiracy to force people to tape, glue, or otherwise affix their pets to their ceilings.
Bruises are not evidence of crushed capillaries in your circulatory system. Rather, bruises are roaming alien life forms that affix themselves to your body for a short period of time and control your movements.
It’s nearly impossible for the average 6-year-old child to tell the difference between a railroad spike and an elephant.
Every time a light bulb blows out, a seagull somewhere in the world spontaneously explodes.
Early humans had very fragile skulls which were prone to shatter and shear the thin skin covering it, dangerously exposing their brains. Protecting this, of course, is why hats were originally invented.
Giraffes are not hoofed mammals that evolved longer necks to eat from the tops of trees. They are really snakes that evolved fur and legs as a means of getting down from tall trees.
