Contrary to popular opinion, the classic “caveman club” was not, in fact, used as a bludgeoning weapon for hunting. Clubs were actually the load-bearing limbs of sentient prehistoric robots which cavemen fought using only pointed sticks and hand grenades.
The original purpose of the necktie was to hide the glaring scars from chest wounds of knights in the middle ages. Of course, since scars are cool, people without scars started to wear ties to try to give themselves the impression of being cool and battleworn, despite never getting into a fight.
The nausea that people experience after spinning their bodies at excessive speeds for a prolonged period of time is actually a defense mechanism that humans developed to prevent them from exploding. Human blood consists of some highly volatile chemicals that are extremely explosive when isolated, but the coagulant nature of the blood inhibits this by […]
Ogres are real. They live in toilets and steal your car keys when you’re not looking.
Not only can pigs fly, but a significant portion of the aerial dogfights in World War II were won as a direct result of the action of an errant flying pig.
Listening to classical music is the closest thing humans have to understanding what it’s like to travel in space with a rocket-powered canoe. Interestingly, it’s also the one thing that is very similar to both the experience of drowning in raw sewage and bungie jumping into a cavern..
Prehistoric man measured time in a complex system of units involving various animals. A modern day is equivalent to 3 goats, a squirrel, and half a carrot (primitive man mistook carrots for evil burrowing dirt pigeons).
Wearing a helmet made of paper maché will allow you to communicate with squirrels and Texans with incredible clarity.
Nitroglycerin was originally used as a spice for tacos.
There is a long line of ninja ducks trained in the art of the “Silent Quack Assassin”. Not only are these formidable water fowl well-versed in multiple martial arts disciplines, but they can precisely kill anyone within a kilometer of them with a highly accurate subsonic blast.
*thanks to Joe Eagar for the Ninja Duck inspiration
